Never Again
I was 14 when it happened. I wasn't really prepared for it at the time. Heck...I didn't even know what it WAS at first! But within a four month period over the summer, I had experienced the greatest love that I had ever known...and the most unendurable pain that the human heart can stand without collapsing in on itself and disappearing completely. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe it was the ultimate high before the big fall that made it so devastating. Who knows? I'm not really sure how it works, and I'm through tinkering around with a machine that I, frankly, don't understand. Love.
His name was Adam. Even our names, Adam and Daniel, seemed to have a cool 'ring' to them when said together. Or...maybe not...but you know something? Every strange signal and freak occurrence becomes so clear to you when you're in love. It's like being able to understand things on an entirely different level from anyone and everyone around you. It makes even the simplest moments something miraculous. I never knew the world was full of so much magic until I found it in his kiss, and the moment it left me, all of that fabulous 'energy' went with it. Dissipated into thin air. You see? Even though it was one of the most incredible experiences of my young life, I can only think of the way it ended. Only briefly do I think of how wonderful it made me feel, or how it made me WANT to go to school, or how it made me smile for no reason at all. Then, after those few quick flashes of joy have passed through my mind, I remember the misery to follow it. The realization that good old 'Danny' was as worthless and lonely as he deserved to be. When you first get 'dumped', you spend weeks, even months trying to find a reason. Some explanation as to why I was so awful, so ugly, so boring, that I couldn't be loved by someone I cared SO deeply for. Were my eyes the wrong color? My hair? You'd think there would be room for someone with dark hair and brown eyes. Maybe Adam only liked other blonds like himself. Maybe he found someone else? Someone better? Maybe he's not gay anymore. Maybe he never was. Maybe he was just experimenting. Maybe he did it because he thinks he's too young to date. Maybe he's a spy, and his commander told him that there would be no lovemaking while on a mission. C'mon! Give me SOMETHING!!! Something that would make this pain seem somewhat justified. Something that would tell me that I deserved it, because I was a screw up and did everything wrong. THAT I could deal with in a week or two. But THIS? This was searching and longing and retracing my every step, criticizing and apologizing for every little thing I've done since we met. And that only made me feel worse. I'd rather he just come out and tell me I was ugly or something. But no, I never got the answer. I never found an absolution in the way it ended. It was just...over. And that was that. I suppose that was going to have to be good enough.
Adam was, at one time, everything that I could ever ask for. He was a lightning bolt from God himself. Someone cute, AND funny, AND cool? And here in my neighborhood, just a few blocks away, not in some foreign country that I couldn't even pronounce, much less visit? AND my age, in the same grade, in the same school? And on top of everything else...he turns out to be gay too??? To find someone so perfect, so special...to feel that divine intervention taking place...to 'see' the numbers lining up in all the right places...it's indescribable. It's like suddenly believing in a higher power that you didn't even know was there! Like having God look you up in the phone book and calling you just to tell you that he thinks you're cool! I was so untouchably happy that I couldn't even contain myself at one point. You'd think a love that makes you feel like that would last for all eternity. That something so perfect couldn't ever go sour, get old, or be....over. Let me warn you, no such thing exists. I'm convinced of that now.
His blue eyes almost glowed in the dark, and they stared right through me that first afternoon when he nervously told me how he felt about me. A love I always wanted, and never expected to have. I had been drooling over Adam for months, his slim frame, wide shoulders, smooth skin. I had been dreaming about the possibility of 'if only' until I had almost exhausted my reserves of sexual creativity. I chased him around school, talked to him whenever I could stop stuttering long enough to form words, and touched him every chance I got. To hear him say he liked me in that way was, to me, the voice of every angel in Heaven singing to me at once in perfect harmony. I wanted it, wished for it, prayed for it...every second of every hour of every day! But NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think it was actually POSSIBLE! I'm just not that lucky. I didn't even know what to say! It didn't make sense to me at all, not even for weeks afterwards. It was like finding that giant oasis of water after wandering around the desert for too long. Sure you 'see' it, you 'feel' it, even 'drink' from it...but you still wonder if it's real. Simply because you know that you don't deserve to get it so easily after searching for so long. Why should I suddenly be blessed? Who knows? But I went from having nothing but a wet dream and a good seat behind Adam in class, to having a full blown boyfriend, overnight. And it felt great!
The funny thing is, we never once had a sexual encounter of any kind. Some touching here, some rubbing there, and lots of kissing and rolling around. We could make out for hours, and it was just as erotic as anything I've ever seen in a porno flick. Because it was real, and it was mine. We would talk for hours on the phone, write daily emails, hang out everyday after school, ate lunch together, movies, the mall, the arcade...we were inseparable. Then...all of the sudden...nothing. No reason, it just didn't 'work' anymore. The phone calls got further and further apart, the emails got shorter and shorter, and suddenly he was busy with other things. Things he would rather be doing than hanging out with me. I stressed myself out over how to hold on to what we had, trying to 're-create' it somehow...but my efforts were useless. I had no idea how to make it work again. I had no idea what made it work in the FIRST place. And as we drifted further and further apart, in the fourth month, I got my first 'unreturned' phone call. Adam had never once taken longer than an hour to return my call. But this one just went unanswered, and after a few more of those, I kinda got the message. There was no interest in talking to me. Not like it used to be, anyway. I wanted to call him, all the time in fact. But I was stuck. Stuck between pestering him into talking to me when he probably didn't want to, and making him think that it would be 'okay' if he decided not to call me anymore. It was such a frustrating balance of questions and unknown theories. Am I trying too hard? Not hard ENOUGH? How many chances should I give him? Is this a test? Is it over? What the HELL am I supposed to THINK??? I've never done the relationship thing before. What am I doing wrong here? I love him, he loves me back. That's how it's supposed to work, right? Guess not, and that eventually led to the end.
I'm not so sure if you could really call it a 'break-up', or a mutual agreement, or anything else for that matter. Neither one of us ever said 'goodbye'. We never said it was over, or that we should date other people, or that it wasn't working out anymore. We didn't say anything really. I just had to sort of assume that he was no longer in love, and I had to act as though I was cool with that decision. Believe me, I wasn't. It was made without me in mind. However, no matter how selfish and hurtful and unfair that seemed to me...I guess I knew that it wasn't about my feelings. It was about his. And if he didn't feel the same way...then he just...didn't. That REALLY sucks! But not half as much as the fact that I couldn't really be mad at him for it. That's the part that kept tears in my eyes ever since.
After a short 'break' from one another, we somehow pretended that things were normal. At least I was pretending. HE seemed to have no trouble whatsoever looking me right in the eye and smiling on a daily basis after that. I wasn't convinced that he missed me very much at all. Not in a boyfriend sort of way. Was I really that forgettable? I was kind of hoping that I would be the guy that he would be telling his next boyfriend about. That I'd be the one that he compared all of the others to. I thought that he would at least pay me that tribute for the time we spent together and the moments we shared together. But nope, nothing. I was easily cast aside to make room for someone else in his life. And that hurt...a LOT.
We still hung out together, but were we still friends? Did I even know the meaning of the word anymore? All I knew was that he was done with it all, and I was left wondering why. Because of that, I felt a bit distant from him. I held back the emotions in order to prevent them from hurting me anymore. He frightened me. He had the power to hurt me like no one else on the planet. He could control my ups and downs with a single word, or with the slightest hint of his smile. And I resented the fact that someone who had once hurt me so badly, still possessed that level of control over my emotions. Our friendship tried to remain strong, but it had weakened a bit. So with a few more weeks of struggling, we began to grow apart. Soon becoming familiar faces in the hall, and Adam becoming a painful memory in my past.
Months went on after our second 'silent break-up' without definition...and the harder I tried to maintain my normality around him, the harder it got to even hear other people mention his name. I tried to hate him with everything I had, but the second he said anything to me at all, I thought to myself, "Wow! He still loves me, if only just a little bit." And thoughts of us getting back together plagued my mind again and again. I flirted with little hints here and there, making him smile, and it was almost like being a couple again. But it was all a fantasy, one I was happy to be wrapped up in every once in a while. It stopped me from feeling the pain of knowing that I wasn't good enough to be his lover.
I wrestled with my thoughts for soooo long. Do I love him? Do I hate him? Does he love me? Does he hate me? Does he think I hate him? Does he see me as a friend? Is the only thing keeping us apart something that I did? Or didn't do? Or something that he didn't know about me that I should have told him? Or the amount of attention I pay to him? He called me!!! Does that mean he cares? Or does he feel obligated to call me? Should I call him? Will he be pissed if I do? Is this a good sign? A bad sign? It was a constant battle between my heart and my mind, and no matter which one lost, I was still going to feel empty inside when it was over. Finally, one evening, I realized how long it had been since we had really spoken to one another. And I knew that if he had any interest in me whatsoever, even as a friend...he would be making an attempt to talk to me. He would care. He would at least meet me half way, or think about me once in a while, just to say hello. But he didn't...not anymore...not ever.
That was it, I couldn't force it, I couldn't fix it, I couldn't make it happen. He just....didn't want me. Hey, tough shit. It happens, right? It happens to the best of us. First time it's ever happened to ME, but I'm sure that's the way it goes. Anyway, like I said, I just wish I had some kind of reason is all. Something to say, "Hey Danny, if you're ever lucky enough to fall in love again, maybe you shouldn't do that particular thing next time. Then you won't completely ruin it like you did with Adam." I never even had a clue, and I felt lost. Adam was still there, and yet, he was 'gone' somehow. Out of the range of every emotion I could possibly offer him. I would have given my life for him at one time, but it was...as I said before...over.
It was now an entire year later...a YEAR...age 15, high school, a whole new ball of wax. And you know what? It STILL hurts. Sure, I spent many days crying about it, ignoring it, doubting it, hating it...but even though I had run the entire gauntlet of emotions, and even though time did what it could to heal my wounds, the pain was still there. Deep down, I felt like shit, constantly, and I hated it. Disgusted with the heavy weight that made my whole world move in slow motion, muddy and bleak. I never wanted my heart to beat for anyone else, ever again. It just hurt too damn much.
While spending my days thinking of ways to somehow get back at Adam for making me feel this way, I longed for him even more. I thought that maybe if I at least got revenge in some way, that I could regenerate some of my self esteem. But in the end, whether it was the problem, the pain, or the solution...Adam remained the center of it all. And to be honest, I just didn't want to think about him anymore. And yet, I wanted to find a way to make him see that I didn't need him to be happy. I went through every fantasy I could possibly think of. You know, the usual...
A) The one where he finds the error of his ways, missing you terribly, and gets down on his knees, begging you to take him back. And you tell him how it's too late and you've moved on. Making him hurt just as bad as you are hurting now.
B) The one where you find someone else. Someone so beautiful, so incredible, so mouthwatering and sexy and sweet, that it makes him INSANELY jealous of you both. Then you and your new beau live happily ever after without him.
C) The one where you become extremely popular and everyone wants a piece of you, making him regret letting a cool guy like you get away from him. Wishing that he hadn't given up on someone so beautiful and well known.
D) The one where you simply disappear off the face of the Earth and he never sees you again. But he spends the rest of his life searching for his first love, because he realized too late that you were his one and only soul mate, and he'll never find anyone else as wonderful as you once were.
E) The one where you turn out to be super super hot and he can't help but fall in love with you again. However, THIS time you use your gorgeous face and body to tease him until he cries. Letting him get so close, but never giving him what he wants.
...And a bunch of others. Where I become a hero, or a celebrity, or incredibly rich, and it becomes MY turn to shut Him out and make him feel like shit for what he did to me. Then of course, there was that one fantasy that included me running him over with a tractor and dragging him six blocks by his genitals. But in the end, when all was said and done, as much as I tried to hate his stinking guts...I just didn't. The very thought of him sharing his laugh with someone else depressed the shit out of me. The fact that someone else would get to kiss those lips, run their fingers through that blond hair and over his smooth skin, that they'd get to taste parts of him that I never even got the chance to SEE...burned me inside. It cut me to the bone, and he didn't even care. God...why couldn't he just transfer schools or something? Or better yet, just jet off from the face of the planet and go live on the moon somewhere so I wouldn't have to think about him anymore. Because that's all I did. After a YEAR! A YEAR, with no real connection, no make-ups, no phone calls, nothing, not on his part...and it STILL hurts!
Is this some kind of sick game? Why won't my heart just LISTEN to me??? Probably because I just kept screaming at it. He doesn't WANT you anymore! Get it? Let him go and move the fuck on already before you end up killing us both! But my heart wouldn't heal. It REFUSED to heal, not all the way, and it just kept pumping out a lethal dose of pain and anguish throughout my entire body until the poison was enough to overwhelm me. Day after day after day. Will it ever end?
As the first few weeks of school went on, I made a few new friends, got a few new school books, and there were actual times when I could work up a genuine smile. But then I'd catch a glimpse of Adam at the end of the hall, or hear his laugh, or see his name on the roster for academic sports of some kind, and my world turned black again. Which forces me to ask myself...is it truly better to have loved and lost? Because I don't really see a bright side here. I could be happy right now if I had never felt that energy inside of me. If I had never tasted a food so sweet, that I'd rather starve than eat anything else. They say that life is short, they're wrong. At times like this you realize that life is LONG! Very, VERY, long! Days, weeks, months, years...it just goes on and on and on. God forbid you have to live that life in pain.
I believe it was some whacked out pothead that pulled the fire alarm that one Friday afternoon in October. He was probably just pulling it as a prank, but things like that can sometimes spice up an average school day. So I didn't mind. We all instinctively filed outside like the good little robots they expect us high school kids to be, and stood on the front lawn. Why did it have to be during my GYM class??? If I was taking a math test, the place would be locked down tighter than Alcatraz! But it turned out to not be such a bad thing, because Adam takes his gym class the same period that I do. Just in a different class. So when I saw his group standing outside with us, I got the opportunity to stare at his legs in those beautiful navy blue gym shorts of ours. His legs were long and smooth, very fine hairs, almost invisible to the eye, and tight calves. Not muscular really, just thin and tight and soft and soooo cute. And the thighs, leading up to that perfect little teenage butt of his. Rounded and tight, pert cheeks with little cups at the bottom, just enough to squeeze. And his chest, those little brown nipples covered only by that thin piece of fabric they called a gym shirt. And his blond hair being blown softly by an Autumn wind. I think it must have given him a slight chill, because I saw tiny little goose bumps appear on his arms and on the side of his neck. Sigh...what am I doing? Why am I still even LOOKING? Am I stupid or what? How much suffering am I willing to put myself through before I just give it up? I should be throwing rocks at the son of a bitch for tearing my heart in two...but instead I was dreamily gawking at him like some little girl with her first crush. Thinking about how I use to touch those thighs, kiss those lips, and hug those slim hips of his against me. Necking and rolling over each other for almost an hour without taking a breath. Desperately needing the sex, but too scared to go through with it. Afraid to come out of our little comfort zone. Now that I think about it, I wish I had given him my virginity. At least then I could have made losing him worth the empty feeling inside. Grrrr! Come on Danny, stop thinking about him. This CAN'T be healthy!
I tried to stop looking a few times, but gave in to my impulses every now and then. I just didn't want him to catch me looking. I'll be damned if I stroke his ego by letting him know that I was still aching to have him in my arms again. Even if I did. Then, purely by accident, I caught a glimpse of something behind him. I guess I was focusing on him so hard, that I didn't even see it at first. It was another boy, a little taller than Adam, but not by much. Almost to the point of being 'skinny', but far from 'boney', and he was staring right at me. Did he catch me looking at Adam??? SHIT! I turned away as soon as I was spotted, and pretended to not notice. The last thing I needed was someone speculating on my sexuality and spreading it all through high school. A rumor in this place spreads faster than the plague on a crowded train! I tried to sneak a peak back over to see if he was still looking. Nope, the coast is clear. Thank goodness. I got a closer look at this other boy...not bad. Adam's cuter though. Hehehhehe! Hey, I can't help it. He IS! The other kid was FAR from ugly, believe me, he just wasn't...he wasn't...Adam. You know? He had broad shoulders, and a smooth, long neck. He had brown hair with blond streaks added to it. It was actually kind of cute, and blue eyes. VERY cool liquid blue eyes. SHIT! He caught me looking again! I turned forward, hoping to play it off. But as soon as I got a chance, I took another peek at him. And a few more. And more still. But he caught me looking almost every time. It was almost as though...he was looking back.
"Danny! What's up man? It's cool...having a fire drill and all, huh?" Great, it was Eddie from my social studies class. Yapping away as usual with his weird California 'valley boy' dialect. I was a bit too preoccupied to talk to him at the moment, but he kept going anyway. He was ranting about this and that, but what concerned me was the fact that he was standing between me and Mr. Mystery over there.
"Uh huh...sure man." I said. I tried to make it look like I was listening to him, while still glancing over his shoulder. Eddie rambled on without end, and finally, the boy behind Adam looked up again. I decided to try something out this time, so I didn't turn away so fast. And neither did he. We actually made eye contact, and held it for a few seconds. Which to me, felt like an eternity. It was...intense. Like, this really cool 'fear' came over me. Not a 'fear' as in scared, but a 'fear' as in excited. And then he looked away...actually blushing a little bit! I hoped Eddie didn't see my eyes widen. It was hard to keep from smiling. This was somewhat unexpected.
"What are you looking at, dude?" He spun around, and I hoped he didn't see him. Oh pleeeeease tell me he didn't see me looking at another boy. He was the type to shout out his discovery to the world if he were to catch me. "Ahhhh...I see what you're staring at!" He grinned slyly. Oh great, the gig is up. "Hot piece of ass, isn't it?"
Say WHAT? I was really taken off guard by that. "Huh...wha..?"
"Cindy Shuffleman...hot piece of ass, isn't she? I'D flip her flapjacks, dude. Yes sir!" And he nudged me in the shoulder. She was standing next to the boy I was looking at, and needless to say, had avoided my roaming eye completely. Thank God she was there!
"Uhh...yeah...flapjacks. Gotchya. Look, I've gotta go man. Later." I thought about whether or not I should go up and say hello. What if I never see him again past today? What if he was just looking to tell me that I had a booger in my nose or something? Or what if I had a 'flapjack flipping' hottie standing next to me, and that's who he was looking at all along? Great. THIS is what I have to look forward to. Starting all over again.
I honestly entertained the idea of just saying hello. He was a total stranger, but hey, might as well take a chance, right? Besides, it was just 'hello', it's not like I had to bare my soul to him or anything. I could have sworn that I was actually walking towards him...but when I looked down, my feet weren't moving at all. And when I looked up again, I saw Adam standing in front of him, and I remembered why I had a reason to be scared of this sort of thing. There he was, his blond aura bathing everyone around him in the bright light of infatuation, and him feeling so good about the fact that not a single one of them would be able to have him unless he decided to pick them out of the crowd. It must be nice.
I looked at him, and I backed down instantly as I heard the bell ring. Letting all of us know that it was 'safe' to go back inside. The students began to file back into the building, and we all followed suit. I looked over at the boy again, disappearing into the crowd....maybe for the last time as far as I was concerned. I saw Adam go back through the doors, and I recalled it all. The pain, the hurt, and the tears. And I didn't want to go through that again. How in the hell did I even survive the first permanent scarring of my emotions? If it were to happen AGAIN, I'd probably write myself off as completely worthless and jump in a live volcano to end it all. We were friends, companions, and later we became boyfriends. After all that we'd been through, if Adam didn't love me...who the hell would?
I thought about the whole experience throughout the rest of the day, but any time I even TRIED to be positive about the possibilities, the negativity crept in and clawed at my confidence continuously until it left me.
I remembered that first night when Adam said he would call me, and just didn't. I can remember thinking that there might have been a problem before that moment, but that defined it for sure. I distinctly remember sitting on the living room couch, waiting for the phone to ring. Watching the minutes tick away and mentally trying to make up excuses as to why he was taking so long. Maybe he's late, or held up, or his phone went out, or a giant robotic crab dragged him into the sea. Whatever. The longer I waited, the more I felt stupid for wasting my time. But I COULDN'T leave!!! My body wouldn't let me. Because even when the clock hit midnight, I 'knew' that the phone would ring the second I wasn't there to answer it. You wouldn't think that a missed phone call would be enough to totally break someone's heart, but it was. And I was too hurt to even be angry. Somehow my mind made it MY fault. And my self pity snaked its way around me for days afterwards. I thought about that one night, and wondered why the hell I wanted to go through that again. Why? What if this new kid REALLY hurts me? What if he's just as bad, if not worse, than Adam was when it came to my heart? What if I REALLY took an emotional turn for the worst this time? I didn't want to be scared, but I didn't want to be stupid either. So what do I do? Just cross the street and hope that I don't get creamed by a fucking truck?!?! Or do I play it a bit safe this time, and look both ways first? I didn't care if I spent the rest of my life alone, that pain almost devoured me alive, and I wasn't ready to face it again. Who cares if this was a different person? Who cares if this was a year ago? I hated feeling like this, and it hasn't finished with me yet. Maybe one day I'll feel better, and I'll take another risk on someone I really care about. But for now? Trying to fall for someone, even a little bit, with my soul as torn and battered as it is at the moment...would be like trying to run a marathon on a broken leg with a bad case of asthma right after open heart surgery. And this, too, was sure to kill me this time if it didn't work out. And when I say 'kill me'...I mean exactly that.
The next school day was a breeze, to be honest. All the way up until the class just after lunch. I accidently left one of my books in the locker, and asked to be excused to go retrieve it since my homework was folded neatly between the pages somewhere. And while wandering the empty halls, I actually crossed paths with...whoever he was. Still as cute as he was the day before, maybe even more so. I saw him coming around the corner, almost in a dramatic slow motion, and I silently gasped to myself as his sweet blue eyes met mine. I had never seen him up close before, and for some reason, after chickening out the first time, I never expected to see him again. It was a big high school, what were the odds? Whatever they were, they were in my favor that day.
"Hey..." He said, just above a whisper.
"Hi..." I replied, and we just kept walking passed each other. What was THAT? Was that good? He said hi first, so that's....like...good, right? I SO wanted to look back and catch another glimpse at him. But I didn't dare. He was cute, I'll give him that. And he said hi. And a cute voice too. And he said hi. Which is good. Right? Saying hi is good. He seemed cool enough. Grrrr...it's times like these that I wish I had someone else to talk to about this kind of thing so I could get some outside advice. Because I'm sure that my point of view was all screwed up anyway.
I began to dig around in my locker, and as soon as I found my homework, I saw him walking passed me again. Maybe he was just taking a little bathroom break or something, and was on his way back to class. Who knows? I was intrigued though. Ok, Danny...let's be a bit more talkative this time. Let's just see how he responds. Um...what to say, what to say....OH...I've got it!
As he walked by me again, his eyes timidly meeting mine again, I said, "...Hey."
"...Hi." He answered, and the moment was over again as we went our separate ways. Ok...how was that? Did we have a moment, or what? Was that better? Oh wait, I said hi first. Does that make me look desperate? SHIT! Man...to hell with this, I'm going back to class.
Now I know what everybody is thinking...he LIKES you ya dork! Um...no. I'm not falling for THAT one! Not this time around. We said hello, and we exchanged some glances...is that supposed to suddenly represent some romantic interlude under the stars? I don't think so. I already told myself that I wasn't ever going to do this again. The next time I give someone my heart and my time, they're going to appreciate it. They are going to be sweet and lovable and sensitive and just plain...real. Not some fantastic creation in my mind that keeps me blind from the fact that Adam was just getting a kick out of having me around to make him feel good. Sigh...actually....I shouldn't say that. Look at me, feeling guilty for my own thoughts. Adam and I had some really good times, and a lot of laughs too. I shouldn't be dismissing him like that just because I was hurt. STILL...there was no reason to give this new kid any more credit than I had to based on our limited conversation so far. I didn't even KNOW this guy! He was just a pretty face that caught my eye. It was no different than me wearing out the VCR's freeze frame on that Hanson video whenever Taylor spoke. So it's not like I had any reason to get excited.
And that's exactly what I told myself for the rest of the day, and the night...and the next day. And pretty much 24 hours a day for the next three weeks! Everyday I would see him somewhere. In the halls, in the parking lot, on the lawn, the cafeteria, coming down the stairs, and once, he stood behind me at the vending machine. But I hardly said much of anything. Nothing more than 'Hey' or 'Hi' or 'Hello' or any other greetings that could possibly be conveyed in one word or less. And he responded every single time. The last few times, he even smiled. It was very cool to see, but whenever I felt the excitement building inside of me, I choked it back to the point where I almost gagged on it, and then sped away from him as fast as I could without appearing 'abnormal' in any way. Trust me, it's not an easy balance. Having even the smallest interest in this boy was both alluring and dangerous. It's kind of like that weird urge that a kid has to stick his fingers into the rapidly spinning blades of the fan. Sure, he has some awareness that it will most likely cut him up and shred him to pieces...but the idea of it all is too mysterious, too fantastic, to pass up sometimes. I don't know. It was confusing to me. I'm an idiot to even consider doing this again.
"Hey..." Came a voice over my shoulder.
I looked up, and had to catch my breath as I saw the kid I'd been obsessing over looking down at me. I had to put down my sandwich and just look at him for a second before I could answer. "Hi..."
There was a silence, and I began to really long for those days when the conversation between us ended there. But this time, it didn't. This time he fought the urge to walk away, and I felt trapped by common courtesy to stay where I was. That's when he smiled and said, "You know, I see you all the time, and I have no idea what your name is."
"Hehehe....weird..." And then I looked down at my feet as another pause hit us. I noticed the quiet, and then looked up and saw him staring back at me with a weird look. What? What was I doing wrong NOW? Oh shit! "OH!!! Oh...dude, I'm sorry! It's Daniel...Danny...my name is Danny..." I stuck out my hand, blushing hard and wishing that I could take back my stupid mistake.
"Danny...cool. I'm Brice. Nice to finally meet you." I was shaking his hand. Actually talking to him. As in conversation.
"I'm sorry...I'm just really out of it today..."
"It's ok. Really." I wanted to invite him to sit down, but my voice completely went out on me. I felt that excitement building again, the butterflies in my stomach going wild, and I felt my heartbeat speed up. Just a simple look from him had enough power to begin a chemical reaction in me that I couldn't control.
"Do you..." Come on...just say the damn words! "Do you want to sit...down...or something...?" I was so short of breath, almost gasping for air at the moment, and as his eyes looked into mine, I began to tremble inside.
"Do you mind?" He asked.
"No. No. Go ahead. Please." I choked and I choked and I choked, but being this close to 'Brice' was becoming a battle that I wasn't going to be able to win.
We hardly said anything the whole time he was there. Our lunch period only lasted about 45 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. I mean that in the best way possible, of course. I was afraid to look at him, afraid to talk to him, and most importantly...I was afraid to listen to the energy inside of me, SCREAMING for attention for the first time since Adam...left me. It kicked at me from the inside, telling me it would be alright, telling me to talk and to laugh and to just give in. But I didn't. I couldn't. Adam was going to be the one mistake that I learned from. I don't want love to be a part of my life right now, I want to be happy. I know that sounds like a very strange statement, but it's the truth. Once you're in a plane crash emergency, and are lucky enough to survive it...you just...don't want to be near planes for a while. Every feeling and emotion that began to rise up inside of me, was laced with a memory of how much it hurt to lose the ONE thing that made me feel good about myself. I didn't WANT anybody's help, or any encouragement, or any swift kicks in the head to make me see the 'error' in my judgement. I wanted to be safe. Safe, and cautious, and for the time being...alone. And this 'Brice' character was a threat to that safety.
"I'm...I'm really sorry, but I forgot that I had some homework to do for next class. I've gotta go, ok?"
"Um, yeah. Sure. Well, it was nice meeting you Danny."
I shook his hand again, trying to hold back the thrill it gave me, "Nice meeting you too."
As I walked away, I heard him say, "Maybe we'll meet up again sometime."
"Yeah. Maybe." I hope that wasn't too rude. He was just being cool, I'm sure. It's not like I meant to be a jerk. I just don't think I'm willing to put myself through the humiliation right now. What did I know about him? What did he know about me? Nothing. He was an infatuation who would never get any further than some sticky fingers and a sigh of relief. So I don't even know why my body was responding to him the way it did. It's just ridiculous. And it was exactly that thought that stayed in my head for the next week and a half. Occasionally avoiding Brice at all costs, occasionally running into him and being scared out of my wits. But every once in a while...just ever so often...I was honestly able to convince myself that I wasn't scared of him. That he might be a good friend as long as I kept my distance. And I did. We talked, we even laughed a few times, and as I got to know him better, I found him to be a really cool guy. And I began to look forward to seeing him at lunch every day. He made me smile, and it felt good to have a close buddy to hang out with, without all of the weirdness and hurt feelings and tension.
Brice was extremely funny when he wanted to be, and outgoing with just a touch of shyness. It was very cute. He was smart, but hardly cocky about it. He was beautiful on the outside as well as within, and I must admit that I sometimes admired that in him. Brice was one of a kind, I was honored that he shared a piece of himself with me. And that's when it happened...one day out of the blue. "Hey, why don't you give me your number dude, and I'll call ya this weekend. We'll hang out or something." He said.
It could have been my imagination, but I could have sworn that all of time came to a screeching halt when he said that. At least for me. I swallowed hard, and suddenly, all of that vigorous energy and those frenzied butterflies that I was convinced were going away, went wild. It was 100 times worse than the first day he spoke to me. What was going on here??? "My...my...number?"
"Yeah. I figured we could catch a movie or something. You game?" His blue eyes seemed to crystallize as they looked into mine, daring me to say no.
Do I say yes? Do I say no? Why does he want my number? Things were going GREAT! Why does he suddenly want to break the rules and invade my little safety circle here? The only reason I was able to control myself over the last few weeks was the fact that I could effectively keep Brice at an arm's length and not have to worry about feelings or emotions or heartbreak or ANY of that stuff! Now...now he wants to break through the defenses. He wants to get closer so that the knife in his pocket will be able to reach me. So that he'll have the opportunity to cut me as deeply as Adam did. Well, to hell with THAT! I'm NOT going through this again, not for anybody. It took every last bit of strength that I had to keep from putting a gun to my head the LAST time, I won't have the strength to survive this again. Not now. Maybe not ever. If Brice turns out to be another version of the pain Adam put me through, then I'll gladly toss myself off of the school roof without a second's hesitation. I'd be better off dead, then having to live with another year's worth of tears because someone I loved decided that they couldn't stand me anymore.
I cleared my throat, and then said, "Um...actually...you know what? I am probably going to be busy this weekend with stuff."
"Oh..."
"Yeah, so it's probably not such a good idea. You know." He didn't really appear to be hurt by my words, but he wasn't really as happy as he was a second ago. "I've gotta run."
"Of course you do." He mumbled under his breath. I wanted to say something comforting to let him know that we were still friends, but he didn't give me the chance. He grabbed his back and said a quick, "Maybe some other time, huh?" before taking off.
Sigh...why did I feel like garbage after that? I thought things were fine. HE was the one upsetting the balance. I was afraid to let him in so quickly, ok? So sue me! Still...I felt bad, even though I insured that I could remain at a safe distance. I kept thinking in circles, going around and around, stuck between what I wanted, and what I didn't want. After all the talking and hanging out that we had done, I didn't have the idea that he was 'just another pretty face' to use as an excuse anymore. The truth is, there were a lot of really special qualities that I saw in Brice. Little things, things that I'm sure no one else ever gets to see. He was emotionally magnetic, physically adorable, and mentally stimulating in many ways. He was caring, humorous, and he had the cutest little habits, like biting the end of his thumb when he was nervous, or tapping his fingers lightly on the table when it was quiet. There was a lot to love about him, but I just didn't want to deal with the consequences of giving a piece of myself to someone again. Can't anyone just understand that? Why can't he just be happy with the way things are right now?
I went home that night, thinking about this blasted situation from every angle possible. I was dizzy with the idea of it all. And by the time I had gone to bed, my head ached from focussing on it so intensely for so long without an answer. As I drifted off to sleep, my subconscious began to spin and conjure up all of the images that I had been trying to rid myself of for weeks. But this time, my conscious mind wasn't there to reason and analyze everything to the point where I thought about things rationally. This time, my mind went into pleasure overload, with no boundaries or limits of any kind. No consequences, no fears, no safety pads or silly precautions. Just my hormones and the expression of what I wanted most...Brice.
The dream didn't have a beginning or end that I can remember, I just suddenly found myself laughing with him, hugging him close, and then leaning forward for a kiss. A sensual joining of his soft lips against mine, I never knew how cool it would be to kiss him. I never thought about it for more than a second, always terrified to dwell on it for a moment longer for fear that I would get wrapped up in the fantasy. But in this dream, I enjoyed it. And my God I had no idea he would taste this good. I raised my hand up to pet the soft brown locks of his hair as I slowly tilted my head to the side, willingly letting the emotions in my heart take me hostage. Things progressed to him laying on top of me, and then me on top of him, then the both of us lying on our sides. My mind directed and edited the little 'movie' flawlessly, and I found myself breathless at the feel of his arms around me. Brice moved his angelic kisses down to my neck, to my chest, and then to the front of my underwear. He rubbed his face back and forth across it, licking it hard through the fabric, and my legs turned to jelly. It seemed so surreal when I felt him take it into his mouth, sucking at it hard, bobbing up and down at a sexy rhythm that was just right. Nothing had ever felt better, nothing. The scenes began to change and switch more rapidly the closer I came to exploding. Visions of us kissing hard, 69 position, anal sex, more kissing, more sucking, more licking...it was insane. It was as though all of my holding back and restraint had been put into reserves for later use. And now my imagination was bingeing on them. I got closer, and closer, and closer, hearing him moan, whispering my name between the tender kisses that he placed on my abdomen just above my silken pubic hairs. I felt the warmth and wetness around my 5 and a half inch member, and soon it was too much for me to fight off my impending climax. I tensed, I strained, I squirmed, and then I woke up...just as my orgasm began to take hold of me! No no NO! But it was too late, my body was already shivering from its release, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It's almost a sickening feeling the first few wet dreams you have. It's never as pleasant as people make it out to be. Damn MESSY is what it is!
The next morning I dragged myself to school. Tired and groggy from having to change the sheets at 3 AM, and then trying to have the courage to go back to sleep. But the worst part was that, as soon as I hit my alarm to shut it off, the dream was the first thing that came to mind. And I remembered it in vivid detail. I could still feel him around me. Still smell his sweet fragrance, still feel the imprint that his lips made on mine. I felt a little bit more alive than I had before. Than I ever had before. And the dream's images were so powerful that the entire morning, my shower, my breakfast, my walk to school, was overwhelmed by them. The visions even overpowered my reality, causing me to lose focus and daydream about the night before. It was as though it really happened, and it made me feel good. Bottom line...that morning, I woke up in love. God help me.
I went to my first period class with a strange feeling of paranoia following me. I wondered if anyone else could see it in my eyes. If they could read my mind and know about the erotic dreams that I had about another boy. I couldn't concentrate at all, and when I discovered that I would be seeing him later on that day, that paranoia turned into blinding fear. I couldn't talk to him...not today. I'd be an emotional basket case! Oh shit...here we go again. Danny-boy falls in love and sets himself up for yet another fall. STOP IT!!! Arrrgh! My heart kept pumping out all of these weird rushes of adrenaline, and it kept running through my body every time I thought about him. AND I COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!! I was losing control over this whole thing. He triggered this whole damn thing by asking for my number! It's HIS fault. Keep your balance Danny, come on...you remember what happened last time. You DO remember, don't you? I thought so. He doesn't like you, he'll never kiss you, he's not gay, and even if he was gay, he wouldn't want you. I'm not attractive enough or cool enough to get ANYBODY'S attention, much less someone as sweet and awesome as Brice. Right? Right. So...so there...stop it. Stop it already!
But there was no use, whatever line my body and soul had drawn in the sand between being friends and being in love, my heart had already crossed it. And there was simply no going back until I either got hurt or got laid. Only one of those options seems possible at this point. When he sat down that day at lunch, I blushed instantly. My fingers fumbled with everything, my hands were shaking so bad. His smile activated an erection that refused to go away, and I felt awkward and silly the entire time. It was like Brice had suddenly transformed right in front of my very eyes. He was a completely different person today. One of incredible beauty and grace. I saw parts of his personality that I had been trying to blind myself to for weeks now, and the were just phenomenally gorgeous. And, wow, his eyes...sigh...his eyes. His hair, his neck, his voice, the cute way he ate his potato chips one at a time. I just stared at him, occasionally missing my cue for when it was my turn to talk and continue the conversation. I was losing myself in his presence, and even the slightest joke would have me giggling nervously like a ticklish eight year old. That only made him smile even wider, which in response, made me laugh out hysterically.
"Well you seem to be in a good mood today." He said. I hung on his every word, feeling the vibrations of his gorgeous teenage voice as they traveled from his smooth pink lips and to my ear. His lips looked so cool when they moved. How I wanted to lick their slick surface and hold Brice in my arms as we joined in a kiss that threatened to suffocate us both if we didn't come up for air.
"Yeah...I guess so. Hehehehe." I smiled. I was trying not to be some kind of weirded out stalker about the whole thing, but I was beginning to discover all of the wonderful things that I liked about him, on a whole new level. I had a new appreciation of who he was, and it was a work of art in motion. There was a moment where I was simply convinced that no one on Earth would ever be able to see him for the spectacular, amazing, and incredibly beautiful person that he was. No one but me. Then the bell rang, and it was time to go. 45 minutes...gone in what seemed liked a few seconds. I almost hated to see him go.
"I'll see ya later bud." He slung his backpack over one shoulder, and started to walk away.
I don't know what made me do it, I didn't have any hidden interests or anything. I'm not really sure what was going through my mind at that very moment, all I knew, was that I couldn't let him leave just yet. "Hey Brice!"
He turned around, his soft eyes greeting mine as I trotted over to catch up. "Yeah?"
"My phone number...why don't you give me a call...or something. This weekend." I couldn't believe how weak in the knees it made me to even be saying this. It was like someone else was speaking through me while I looked on, helpless to shut myself up.
"O-ok...but...I thought you were busy this weekend."
"Well...screw busy. I want to see you." That came out TOTALLY wrong! Or did it? I don't know...but it gave me a thrill to know that I actually said it.
"Sure...I'll give you mine too." He reached in his bag, and began writing down my digits. He had such cute handwriting too. And small, and neat. Hehehehe, omigod, what was I getting myself into. I couldn't help but smile as my stomach fluttered and tightened from the excitement inside of me. I could hear my voice shaking as I told him each number. I'm surprised I even remembered the right number. "Ok, kewl. Do you have something to write on? I'll give you mine."
I didn't! I left my bag in the locker everyday when I ate lunch! "Um....actually, I could get a napkin or something..."
"Don't sweat it. Here, give me your hand..." And he took my hand in his, writing his number on the back of it. AHHHHH!!!! He's writing on the back of my HAND! Sweet! My heart was about to leap out of my chest! Calm down for Christ's sakes, he's going to think I'm some kind of nut case. I sat there, trying my best to keep from giggling, as he scribed his phone number into my skin with his pen. His grip on me was so delicate, and yet complete. I had to hold my breath to keep from screaming out loud. "Ok, I'll give you a call tomorrow or something, k?" He said.
"Yeah...cool. I'll..uh...I'll talk to you then." He smiled as he walked away, and I was left standing there, breathless. I was too amazed to move. I had his phone number...written in HIS handwriting on the back of my frickin' hand! I had quick flashes of the dream I had earlier, of the times when Brice made me laugh at the lunch table, and of the very first day that I saw him out on the front lawn of the school. I was literally trembling. Knowing that nothing was going to happen, praying that I wouldn't let on that I wanted something to happen, and yet still hoping that something WILL happen. Confusing? Good...then I've made my point.
My heart was on cloud nine for the rest of the afternoon while my mind kept trying to anchor me back down to the ground. I was setting the chain reaction in motion, climbing to the peak of the mountain only to be thrown off of the top. There was no stopping it now, and I could only wish that I would find some reason to not feel this way anymore. To somehow come to my senses and get back on track before I end up some suicidal teenage statistic from having my heart broken yet again. I only had until Saturday to tone it down and figure out how I was going to handle this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Let's hope that fate is on my side this time.
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